A new year has begun. The last one ended. Tumultuous it was. And it left casting its long shadow on this one. Telling me once again to stand up, scratch out the cruds and open it for the sun to get a long burning look at it.
Designing arguments is merely one skill. It probably makes people take notice, not get things done. Its tough carrying so much on a pair of narrow shoulders. The number of people I have to be has only increased over time. In a bid to reduce the number, I ended up multiplying it. Those who throw their hands up in the air are probably smarter than the likes of me.
But thats just it. This is who I am. And theres no changing it. I cant do it any other way. I dont want to. Even after all this much. Apparently good things come to those who wait. What they dont tell you is it doesnt mean you can just stand and watch. And just like that, I landed up in a brand new home. Bringing the promise of new beginnings, old closets cleaned up and things like that. And yet, its been a chore in this fabulously fucked up city of ours. Putting things together with 2 hands, a forced imagination and a rapidly thinning wallet. But once in a while it pays up.
Its an unexpectedly pretty day today..the walls of this new house suddenly seem to slowly want to come alive..my kitchen smells of familydom…slowly seeping into every other room…filled with the sounds of happy chirpy voices…something that is probably regular feature in normal households. I have been away from this for a while now. Trying vaguely to replace it with random television noises...and sometimes with the loudness of my own thoughts. I cant speak aloud to myself…have never been able to. Its like singing in the bathroom I suppose, an act of generally being comfortably lost in oneself. The idea of being vocal while happy is something that always seemed impossible for me to do.
As I sit here in this new whitewalled, old smelling new house in a corner on a private road surrounded by one fir tree and several other nameless ones that are commonly found, an odd stray dog or two, netted windows that allow light to escape, but not images..as I sit in one such place, there is a calm weariness that sits itself on the contours of my skin…the back of my knees, the curve of my ankle. I am 27 now..a step away from 3 decades of existence. Ive lead so many double lives..sometimes its tough to know which identity im living at that moment..am I the rebel that ran away or the rebel that entered another life..a girl that wants to be married..or a girl that wants to not want to marry anymore..i don’t know. There is a weird equilibrium of the improper kinds..maybe ive lived in limbo so long that I cant really fathom a life of permanence.. I concoct new goals, new destinations to be reached..cos I crave the unfinished-ness of a life of limbo. Or do i? I don’t know. Maybe im just livng out a cliche i have pinpointed to myself yet.
It would be great if I were just that. It would be great if atleast one of the things I do makes me feel like im doing something that’s obviously normal.
I heard this chet baker song yesterday…it felt like it managed to contain everything about everyone’s life. Maybe music can encapsulate what words can only begin to attempt.
Its weird the calm im feeling today. Maybe one of the dreams from the last 2 years just came true..fell into place without warning. There is something so dreamy about this moment..surreal. ive got my prettiness lying in exhausted stupor mostly..in the other room. And here I am with jazz, smoke and yellow light, I realize I will probably end up being the girl I always wanted to be. Ive reached my ideal equilibrium. I must capture this fully…eat it up, drink it and let it seep in. Before the next turn comes my way. Soon he will be with me everyday. And we can have silly fun on weekends..fulfilling conversations, pretty, comfortable sleeps. A life no more within silent improper walls, no more in waiting. Someday. Soon.
