Another year comes and goes, and I've got ingrowth in my toes.

A new year has begun. The last one ended. Tumultuous it was. And it left casting its long shadow on this one. Telling me once again to stand up, scratch out the cruds and open it for the sun to get a long burning look at it.

Designing arguments is merely one skill. It probably makes people take notice, not get things done. Its tough carrying so much on a pair of narrow shoulders. The number of people I have to be has only increased over time. In a bid to reduce the number, I ended up multiplying it. Those who throw their hands up in the air are probably smarter than the likes of me.

But thats just it. This is who I am. And theres no changing it. I cant do it any other way. I dont want to. Even after all this much. Apparently good things come to those who wait. What they dont tell you is it doesnt mean you can just stand and watch. And just like that, I landed up in a brand new home. Bringing the promise of new beginnings, old closets cleaned up and things like that. And yet, its been a chore in this fabulously fucked up city of ours. Putting things together with 2 hands, a forced imagination and a rapidly thinning wallet. But once in a while it pays up.

Its an unexpectedly pretty day today..the walls of this new house suddenly seem to slowly want to come alive..my kitchen smells of familydom…slowly seeping into every other room…filled with the sounds of happy chirpy voices…something that is probably regular feature in normal households. I have been away from this for a while now. Trying vaguely to replace it with random television noises...and sometimes with the loudness of my own thoughts. I cant speak aloud to myself…have never been able to. Its like singing in the bathroom I suppose, an act of generally being comfortably lost in oneself. The idea of being vocal while happy is something that always seemed impossible for me to do.

As I sit here in this new whitewalled, old smelling new house in a corner on a private road surrounded by one fir tree and several other nameless ones that are commonly found, an odd stray dog or two, netted windows that allow light to escape, but not images..as I sit in one such place, there is a calm weariness that sits itself on the contours of my skin…the back of my knees, the curve of my ankle. I am 27 now..a step away from 3 decades of existence. Ive lead so many double lives..sometimes its tough to know which identity im living at that moment..am I the rebel that ran away or the rebel that entered another life..a girl that wants to be married..or a girl that wants to not want to marry anymore..i don’t know. There is a weird equilibrium of the improper kinds..maybe ive lived in limbo so long that I cant really fathom a life of permanence.. I concoct new goals, new destinations to be reached..cos I crave the unfinished-ness of a life of limbo. Or do i? I don’t know. Maybe im just livng out a cliche i have pinpointed to myself yet.

It would be great if I were just that. It would be great if atleast one of the things I do makes me feel like im doing something that’s obviously normal.

I heard this chet baker song yesterday…it felt like it managed to contain everything about everyone’s life. Maybe music can encapsulate what words can only begin to attempt.

Its weird the calm im feeling today. Maybe one of the dreams from the last 2 years just came true..fell into place without warning. There is something so dreamy about this moment..surreal. ive got my prettiness lying in exhausted stupor mostly..in the other room. And here I am with jazz, smoke and yellow light, I realize I will probably end up being the girl I always wanted to be. Ive reached my ideal equilibrium. I must capture this fully…eat it up, drink it and let it seep in. Before the next turn comes my way. Soon he will be with me everyday. And we can have silly fun on weekends..fulfilling conversations, pretty, comfortable sleeps. A life no more within silent improper walls, no more in waiting. Someday. Soon.

Blunted

Your fractured mind does not let you see the hole you are burning. And the way you disgrace yourself, is painful to watch.

To what end. Does someone need to show you a mirror.. so you see that your evening lies within you.

But we brought ourselves up well. We develop new skin. Layer by layer. Each one tougher than the one before, you know how a wound heals don’t you.

I can’t remember when, I began substituting the question mark with full stops.

But something has to be said for us, and if I have to say it myself, so be it. Somehow, miraculously, both of us find the strength to look at you with sympathy.

But we are finite. and the day that sympathy dies, you will go with it.

image from: http://mr-twingo.deviantart.com/art/turn-into-wind-140546521?q=boost%3Apopular+turn&qo=22

Nostalgic... and straying

Where i grew up, when the weather gods decided it was supposed to be a gloomy day, the weather did complete justice to it. Sincere and whole-hearted attempts. The skies would be overcast, with a particular shade of grey... one that makes you think that behind the clouds was clear blue sky and nice light... you could sense him covering it delierately, with focussed effort.

And if by mistake it let some light through, the difference in temperature was so apparent that it made you feel small. One step into the light with the other foot under the shade meant you had goosebumps on only one leg.

And gloomy meant it made you want to snuggle up behind thick razais.... old ones that have evidence of years of human kicks and stretches under the soft cotton that was loosely held by muslin-esque cloth. It never moved totally towards 'biting cold'. It always threatened to... leaving us perenially confused as to whether its going to get colder or not... imagine an elogated, slow, lazy threat of things getting colder but never actually doing it.

And you snuggle up under the blanket... tuck it under your feet... stretch inside and hug yourself mummy-like to conserve the heat. And that's enough. You don't need layers, woollen socks and gloves... you just feel like you want all of those things. And then the weather man starts his hypnotics... he creeps slowly into ur bones until any movement seems like an immoral act... you know if you bend your knee a little bit, you would touch that patch of cold under the blanket and who would be stupid enough to do it.

School on dreary mornings was the most cruel thing Bangalore made you do. It was never cold enough to not go... but nothing about the weather made you feel like you could pull it off. And so you tear yourself away... apologising to your knees and cursing your favourite blanket. And the weather always strikes up a personal rapport with every individual... he affects each of you individually... slowly at his own pace... making each of you alone in that misery at that point of time. Hence, for a certain period of time my mom was the most 'sensitive ' of us all... then it was me... then it was the asthma in dad's lungs... and now its probably my sis.

But he will get you. He will use rain on a perfectly sunny afternoon and make you run into your blanket. Its the only place where I've seen people never completely pack off their blankets for the summer... just shove them into a lower shelf in the cupboard. I used to put mine below the sheets I used to sleep on... I loved my blankey too much. Plus he was this heavy, tantrum throwing lazy thing who would never completely stay within my grasp... I folded him to a third of his length, hugged him and tried walking to the cupboard... but the lazy fucker would just decided to get heavier with every step... until i threw him down and fell asleep on him.

Gloomy days meant that the plastic toilet seats felt like cold metal under your bum. Gloomy days meant everyone was excused from talking in the mornings... from greeting each other.... meant that if you told mum you fell asleep while brushing she didn't laugh at you. Only those from 'colder' parts didn't get what the big deal was. Until they came down and stayed in Bangy for a year... until a Scot came down and said she needed a sweater at 12pm while walking out in the sun and until all your overactive cold loving never sleeping in the afternoon since birth skin wanted to go to bed at 11 am and dozed off into a comatose-ey snooze on a 4 day trip. Until that happens, you are probably a weirdo who feels cold at 18 degrees.

And he makes you have an emotional connection with warm beverages... not many people get the notion of a coffee shop... its easily brushed away as another form of creating consumption channels... make people buy into a well marketed sit-down version of the same thing peddled by Hallmark greeting cards... selling popularised, American versions of Parisian cafes.. calling them 'hang-outs' for the youth. They are probably exactly that for most people, who hasn't seen a bunch of 7 college kids buy one cappuccino and sit around a cramped table... trying to pull as much time as possible for them to sit there, chat and get noticed at the 'right' places.

But my bangy doesn't have coffee shops for those reasons. She has tiny, sit-out cafes where the filter coffee kind of people actually come over to sit alone and let warm watered down frothy coffee of fancy names and read books or just stare out onto the road. And you know what, the mood of these places is so apt that you realise the coffee is actually perfect. I've done it so many times that I actually have a mental map of where to go for which coffee on which day in what weather.

CCD is cheap, crappy shit... machine made coffee for when you want to have a quick meeting or if you have absolutely no other choice. The coffee at Barista is a little more careful. They have short, wide cups... generous enough to let you cup your hands around them. The coffee is machine ground but the milk is added later (atleast the ones I used to go to in Bangy). The coffee is a little thicker... but the brew is not that dark... light coloured, bordering on thick beverages that course down ur throat giving you a sense of fullness... with a coffee chip muffin on the side... just to make things look pretty. A lil bit of decoction drip over the side of the cup, chocolate sauce drizzled over the muffin, non air conditioned open air spaces... and chairs that give you the right distance from the table so u can sit and play with the rim of your cup. And then there is Mocha, tall dark coloured glazed mugs with rich robust South American coffee brews… which you make entirely by yourself… its actually 3 coffees packed into one…. So u can add whatever proportions you want… low seating that lets you lean over towards ur cup… hold it with both hands… dimly lit even if you are sitting outside… (I don’t know how they achieve that)… Moroccan furniture… weird trippy music, long bent out forks and good food. Conducive to deep introspection and non-conversation, or maybe a private one.

And all of these versions of coffee simply taste better in Bangy. They get everything right there. And I wont talk about filter coffee or about India coffee house… both are too beautiful to be described and better left un-classified.

But nevermind all that. I miss my gloomy bangy days. Its dull where I live... I keep the dull tubelight on all day and all night.... but its not my kind of gloomy. Its irritating... cos it doesnt lure you to snuggle in... you just sweat less. And the coffee shops here just try.

I dont know

I don't understand
How it is that
I can vacillate
Between
Spewing venom through spoken word
And feel my heart melting
Progressively
From song to song on
My 'Random' playlist.

I don't understand how
I can push away on one hand
And pine, on the other
For the same thing.

I don't understand
What this vacillation does to me
Or to the sole listener.
And sometimes I worry
I never will.

Meringue-hearted

Sometimes

Sometimes, its delightful what the blogosphere can bring us, isn't it? The lovely pleasures of new discoveries simplified into random .blogspot.coms... so us dreary, too afraid to be non-linear, simpletons are given a chance at getting to smile unexpectedly... or find someone kindred just randomly splashed across a virtual world no one has seen, and everyone has imagined.

It's a nice settling feeling... like that first bite into a much desired bar of chocolate, or sip of beer on a hot, dry, windless afternoon. Something that makes you straighten your shoulders and proceed. Or not. But whatever... I like the blogosphere. Its gives me adventurous strangers, pretty ones with long eyelashes... and even a honey coloured, dimpling keeper.

Chocolateeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

how you like??